Album Review: The Horned God- Volume 1 (w/ bonus Narrator Sidekick NPC!)
To describe the overall sound, it is very bass-forward, with excellent
variety and clarity for such a compressed recording. The vocals are
great (sounding like Lemmy & Pike can never be a bad thing) and use
an echo effect that weave them into the jammy chaos quite well. The
drums are unrelenting, staying mostly steady in a high-energy beat with
fills that reinforce the bass that will not quit. What this record gets
right, more than almost anything else, is to let that fucking bass rip.
While bass and fuzz are core to any stoner/psych metal, too often bands
let guitars use heavy distortion pedals to turn guitars into basses,
which, okay cool, but yo just let the bass shine, man! You can play a
guitar slow with fuzz on it, but it’s not going to sound like a
finger-plucked bass riff no matter what, because it’s physically not the
same equipment. Without getting further sidetracked into bass/guitar
discussions, suffice to say that The Horned God foreground the bass
right, and it gives the music a different character than run-of-the-mill
stoner metal. The guitar, left to do its own fucking job rather than
imitate a bass, shreds in a higher register (again, similar to Pike) and
has a remarkable pedal effect on it in places that makes it sound like a
keyboard or organ. The combination of all these elements, turned (and
kept) all the way up is to create the sound of more than a 3-piece band.
I had to check, over and over, how many guitars are on this thing
again? Am I sure there’s no organ? God damn, how are the guitar and bass
rocking that hard at the same time without obscuring one another?
In fact, I don’t really need to talk about individual tracks because they are a high-energy, consistently awesome onslaught, but since it’s a narrative I might as well give a short summary of what’s going on. It isn’t, sadly, a complete story, but hey, whatcha gonna do? Start a national lottery fund to help metal bands complete their conceptual arcs, I guess. Narratively they focus on Slaine’s journey to collect 4 magical artifacts to claim the right to the throne so that he can defeat Slough Feg.
Track by track:
- A voice over intro quoting the graphic novel in Spanish, infusing the material with some of their own Southwestern desert metal maniac charm. It explains how the great king Slaine embarked on his quest to kill the Lord Weird Slough Feg, a dark “drune” (druid) worshiper of the death god, as told by the dwarf Ukko, Slaine’s faithful but annoying scribe who is always present for lascivious comment, comic relief, and to take some light-hearted verbal abuse from our barbarian badass protagonist. Everyone needs a few albums that start with epic voice overs if you ask me.
- The story begins with him banished for romancing the king’s daughter (classic barbarian move). He returns to free sacrifices slated to be burned in a wicker man by Slough Feg as a sacrifice to the death worm Crom, but a willing bride-to-be, Queen Medb, curses him and her husband pledges allegiance to Slough Feg and the Fomorians to destroy Slaine and his tribe.
- They erect standing stones on ley lines to harness the weird energy and bring the drune lords south on magic glaciers, but Slaine comes in and murders 470 Fomorians, fuck yeah!
- He captures the Cauldron of Blood, and Medb tries to convince him to be her husband and take the mantle of the Horned God, letting suffering take its course in hopes that it will all work out down the line. Classic witch trickery!
- Slaine sees through it, and gathers his warriors and his allies the Fir Bolg, whom he challenges for the Moon Sword and the leader’s bride, Niamh. They decide to feast instead of fight, but Slaine and Niamh get together anyway, which complicates things further down the line somewhat.
- Slaine boasts that he’s gonna get all 4 artifacts, the Moon Sword, Spear of the Sun, Cauldron of Blood, and (I think?) Slough Feg’s standing stones to have all the power.
- A cursed creature, Avagddu, the son of the earth goddess, brainwashed and controlled by Slough Feg, is summoned to devour Niamh, but Slain and the leader of the Fir Bolg fight him off and trick him into consuming himself. The End!
Yup, that’s all there is, sadly. No end to the story, but there are 3 volumes of the amazingly illustrated and told graphic novel! And here we have a full album of total shredders with awesome replay value. I only lament the fact that they’re not active, as I’d love to see them in costume jamming this stuff out.
This album is proof of the power of fuzz and fury. You don’t need to know what the hell they’re saying, the sonics don’t need to be doctored and mixed with a pair of tweezers, and you don’t need to do much more than ROCK to the best of your ability for as long and hard as fucking possible. We have here a legitimate warp-spasm of platonic stoner jams that will slay your speakers throughout. Hail Slaine! Hail The Horned God!
633/666
Bonus Gameable Content: Sidekick Character Class AND "What the hell are you doing back there?" d20 table
For whatever reason, I've been all about the meta-content on this blog lately. With that in mind, it strikes me that while so many fantasy stories have a narrator, chronicler, sidekick, or historical framing device, most RPGs don't. There's no Enki, Ukko, C3PO or the like commenting on our protagonists' exploits! Why is there no comic relief NPC praising/judging the PCs' performance or providing silly hijinks? Well, fret no more, as I shall create a model with which to add a layer of meta-commentary to your game! It is intended to be a henchman, but could be a PC as well if somebody feels like it. Statted for Old School Essentials.
Requirements: minimum DEX 9
XP and HD as Thief/Specialist
Maximum Level: 14
THAC0/Attack Bonus as Bard or Magic-User
Saves as Halfling
Prime Requisite: CHA
Armour: Leather, shields
Weapons: Missile weapons, one-handed melee weapons
Languages: Alignment, Common, and whatever faction the PCs are in conflict with the most
Class Abilities
Always By Your Side
A sidekick can use a full turn action to return to their master's side, regardless of obstacles or impediments, as long as they are within 120'. They do not provoke attacks and avoid all hazards and damage. If crossing impossible odds, they may make an appropriate saving throw to avoid or reduce damage, at the Referee's discretion.
Read Languages
A sidekick can read non-magical text in any language (including dead languages and basic codes) with 80%/5-in-6 probability. If the roll does not succeed, the sidekick may not try to read that particular text again until they reach a higher level of experience.
Defensive Bonus
Sidekicks gain a +2 bonus to Armour Class if they suffered damage at any point in the last X rounds, where X is the sidekick's level.
Lore
From 2nd level, a sidekick has a 2-in-6 chance of knowing lore pertaining to monsters or heroes of folktale or legend. This ability may not be used to identify the nature and powers of magic items.
I'm Your Henchman, Not Your Slave
Sidekicks refuse to use any of their personal items or wealth for their master. The only exception to this is if it will prevent severe consequences, in which case they will begrudgingly agree. This takes the form of sharing an uncomfortably small bedroll in a storm, sharing leftover scraps of rations and the like. It is miserly and performed indignantly.
Snap Out Of It, Boss!
While within 30' of their master and speaking to them, both the master and sidekick are immune to song-based magical effects, Charm spells, and the beguiling powers of sylvan creatures or fairies. If the master is already under the effect of such magic they may make another saving throw with a +4 bonus.
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